Sorry

Have you ever met someone in your life that has impacted you in such a way that you fall in love? In certain circumstances this feeling can develop and you can nurture it into something wonderful. Extenuating circumstance would prohibit me or my friend from falling in love and having a relationship, but we can love one another as friends and have a level of unmatched devotion. I have become friends with a wonderful woman to the likes I have never known before. She is very much like me, except a femaale version. She however does not possess some of the negative qualities I do. These qualities reveal themselves when I get closer to someone. I am not sure why, but I find myself being deceitful and ambiguous. A situation occurred whereas I was accused of revealing personal details of a relationship between two indivduals that I do really care for. One more than the other, but nonetheless do cherish. I apparently told someone these two were in a relationship when I was not supposed to. I all but forgot about it, and denied it when i was accused, but wholeheartedly believed I kept the secret. Basically two friends who are in a relationship work with me. They kept there relationship a secret because of privacy for one, but also fratanization issues regarding work policy and moreover just not wanting others invading their life. In a heated situation and with the addition of alcohol I told another member of our work group they were together and hence spawned a chain reaction of communication, that they were an item. Consciously I never meant to hurt them, subconciously I have come to realize I knew what I was doing. My friend and I have been through some shit. We have been in and out of closeness and I really have come to believe it is me that is to blame. I know not why I have done this, I do know it has something to do with familiarity and it was enhanced by alcohol. It seems most of my indiscretion occurs when I imbibe. I recently had a fight with my partner and I really believe I could have avoided it by not drinking. I am working on that, but I cannot help feel that I really have done my friend wrong. She has lent me her ear, has given me her heart and trusted me. She has told me she loves me and has kissed me on the lips. She has opened her home and her life to me and I have wasted it by being indiscreet. I have to say that I do not remember relaying this, but I can identify and accept that I must have for the evidence is too great. Where is my mind and my heart. Is it because my sign commands my ambiguity? I do not believe that I am so contrite. I have more to offer and give someone. If I can do this to her, cannot I do it to my partner, my mother? I have a sin to pay for. I actually am paying now. I have lost someone's trust and friendship and I cannot get it back. I expect this will bring more hardship, all that I am prepared for, but none that I want. As humans we all want the best for ourselves and hopefully each other. I have not done a good job and abiding by this and I look to the future and my life to become more whole and considerate of others. I am a terrible person and I really do not deserve someone like her as a friend. What comes around goes around and I expect my payback to be what I deserve. I am sorry.